Made-in-Heaven Marriages

Marriage is the legal or formal recognition of union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. In Asia, over time, the associated ceremony has overtaken the marriage and become a vulgar display of wealth and power, a display “worthy” of the so-called social standing of the two families, where typically the bride’s family gets harassed with demands of dowry and for putting up an ostentatious multi-day display worth the groom’s family social standing.

Further, in India, the institution of marriage perpetuates and feeds the caste system. As I edit this blog post, my thoughts go out to my own family coming from the hinterlands of India where the caste system is deeply rooted. From an Indian society perspective, my own marriage and that of my siblings and that of my parents (in 1961) are inter-caste marriages. You may ask how did that happen?

To answer this question, our post this week is on the 

“Made-in-Heaven” Marriages in Dayalbagh.

The word “marriage” brings to mind a coming together of two persons and their families mixed with festivities, rituals, lots of fun, meeting cousins! Sadly, marriages are more of a social “tamasha” (grand show), one-upmanship and a vulgar display of wealth highlighting class and social distinctions and differences thereby strengthening divisions of society based on economic status.

In Dayalbagh, the stress is on promoting social equality and brotherhood of man. Caste system is a strict “no”, rather it is expected that each person following the Dayalbagh Way of Life will develop the stated qualities and abilities of all the four varnas (castes) in themselves. So, depending on the need, I am a Sudra or a Kshatriya or a Vaisya or a Brahman or a combination thereof.

Marriages in Dayalbagh are simple and austere fostering social equality. They are conducted under the auspices of the Marriage Panchayat, Dayalbagh. The Marriage Panchayat arranges for three pre-marriage counselling sessions (over a six-month period) for the parents and the couple to enable a better understanding of each other’s expectations and backgrounds.

The rules are crystal clear. Total expenses permitted for the wedding are Rs. 18,000 (USD 280) each for the bride and for the groom. This amount is inclusive of the Rs. 1,200 (USD 19) for the post marriage lunch hosted by the Marriage Panchayat for 100 guests, 65 from the bride’s side and 35 from the groom’s. All expenses are auditable by the Marriage Panchayat and violations are unacceptable.

There is no dowry – no cash and nothing in kind. Even a whiff of this happening can lead to big trouble.

The girl, the boy and their parents are required to report in Dayalbagh seven days prior to the marriage date and immerse themselves in self-less service in the fields.

Typically, there are four to five marriages on a particular day (typically Sunday). All marriage groups get together for a joint prayer function with all guests two days prior to marriage.

The day of the marriage is simple and straight-forward. The ceremony starts with a Sagai-Samaroh (engagement ceremony) early in the morning during community service in the farms. This is solemnized by an exchange of garlands and prayers for well-being of the couple and all others. This is followed by the marriage rites performed in the presence of a designated marriage officer either by registration (preferred – but requires either the girl or the boy to have residency in Dayalbagh) or vedic rites. The bride and groom take a vow to uphold mutual respect and their duty towards their parents and for each other.

Everyone can bless and congratulate the couple, only blood relatives can give a token gift of Rs. 11 as Shagun (auspicious gift).

We have not touched on the fun and festivities in this post, because without the need to spend one’s full life’s savings, without the need for social one-upmanship, without the need for caste matches, without the need for angst on whether some other relative gave a bigger gift, without the need to arrange for marriage lunch or without the need to arrange for the marriage venue the fun and festivities increase dramatically.

And when two individuals come together there could be ups and downs. The marriage panchayat provides a counselling session six months after marriage to re-emphasize the importance of adjustment and empathy. Violence in marriage is totally unacceptable.

Is it “marriages made in heaven” or “marriages in heaven”? or maybe both…

The above post is by Ms. Juhi Singh and Anurag Singh.